I am sat on a swing in a very beautiful but deserted garden. It all seems very surreal and spooky even. I looked up to see a lady approaching me in a nurses uniform carrying a moses basket. She hands me the moses basket and in it is one of my sons. He is dressed in a blue babygro, wrapped in a blue blanket and a blue wolly hat.
He looked really peaceful.
Nurse: Here is your son.
Me: Thanks but which one is it and where is his brother?
Nurse: I am only here to give you one.
My heart sinks and I wake up with tears in my eyes. It was a nightmare of a dream.
It was just about 4.50am and I reached out to pick up my phone, expecting the call at any moment. As if right on cue my phone rang and it was Royal London Hospital.
Doctor : Hello Ms Odunsi.
Me: Hello – Is he dead?
Doctor: Not quite but you need to hurry.
Me: I know, he just wanted to scale through Sep 13th. Thanks we will make our way.
Al: which of the hospitals just called, Homerton or Royal London?
Me: Its Royal London.
Al: So its Tomisin then – we can’t drive to Whitechapel so let’s jump on the train.
Trip to Whitechapel
We got out of bed and with legs as heavy as lead we dragged one foot after the other to make our way to Whitechapel. A very quiet journey with both of us deep in thought. Our thoughts were aligned but we don’t say a word to each other. The District line train arrived at Whitechapel and everything in me screams in silence.
We stepped into this dinghy looking hospital which filled me with hate so strong I couldn’t even try to articulate it.
“Ms Odunsi, Mr Sesay your son’s organs are failing and there is now no hope of recovery for him. He is suffering and you need to make a decision whether or not we are to resuscitate when his heart stops.”
The words were coming, but I really didn’t understand what was being said to us. Al asked to see him and he left with a junior doctor. He came back in and I heard him sobbing. Deep racking sobs like a wounded animal. An unearthly guttural sound that you only expect to hear in movies, as you don’t expect any human you know to actually experience the level of pain that would elicit that type of sound.
I can’t cry.
I can’t feel.
I can’t think.
Doctor: Mum, Dad you really need to make a decision.
Me: Can you just STOP!!!!! PLS JUST STOP!!!
Someone knocked on the door and walked in. It’s the junior doctor.
‘I am sorry”, he says. “But your son just passed away. THE DECISION IS OUT OF YOUR HANDS”.
We were ushered into a room and I called Pastor Adesanya to curse God, and yes I did. I did. I did. I did.
Still in a daze I found a corner to sit in the room far away from my husband. When I looked up, I see a nurse approaching me carrying a moses basket. She hands me the moses basket and in it is Jesutomisin. Quiet and at peace.
He is dressed in a blue babygro, wrapped in a blue blanket and a blue wolly hat.
I hear the same guttural sound I heard a few hours before – only this time it came from me.
14th Sep 2005 Jesutomisin became an angel.
Watch out for the full book, coming out soon. There is a rainbow at the end of this cloud, and Debbie and her husband are now parents of two beautiful children. The twists and turns in her story have barely been scratched with these extracts shared. God bless you Debbie. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Really looking forward to your book.
We never know the struggles that many couples, or mums go through in their journey into parenthood. We can however be kind, understanding, supportive, and hold a space of love for each other, with all of our various stories. For those on the journey into parenthood, we encourage you to keep trying and believing. If you have faith and trust in God, hold on to Jacob’s prayer, “…. But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!”” Genesis 32:26. The blessing might not come in the way you expect, but He is faithful, it will come.
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